Kabanata 4
Maulit Nang Maulit
Breathe in... Breathe out... Inhale. Exhale.
I shut my eyes real tight as tears cascaded down my cheeks. I jolted awake from my dream and I started shaking. My chest immediately began to feel cold and tight before I realized what was happening. Unti-unting nanigas ang mga kamay ko at wala na akong ibang nagawa kung hindi humagulgol kahit gaano ko pa pinigilan ang sarili kong pakalmahin ang paghinga ko.
"Ma! Mommy! M-Mom!" I curled on my bed as I heard my mother's panicked steps. Hindi ko pa rin makalma ang aking sarili at puro iyak na lang ang nagawa ko.
"Mommy." It came out like a whimper when I heard my door opening. I felt her arms wrap around me, doing what she was taught to do during my panic attacks. I willed myself to do what I have been taught as well.
"Shh, sweetie. You are alright. Breathe with me."
"Sophia." Dad.
He was rubbing my back and telling me encouraging things to help me calm myself more.
I do not know how long it took for me to calm down. Mommy was beside me holding my hand when I woke up from being too tired from my panic attack. I dreamed the same dream, but I woke up calmer now.
Tanghali na kaya hindi na nila ako pinapasok. It is normal for me na hindi ako pinapapasok kapag ganitong sitwasyon. It is safer for me to stay at home than to have a scene at school.
Dahan-dahan kong tinanggal ang kamay niya sa akin pero nagising pa rin siya. She gave me a small smile bago tinignan kung ayos na ba ako.
"I will go down and bring you food," nag-aalalang tugon niya.
Matamlay akong tumango at pinanood siyang lumabas. I hugged my legs in front of me and rested my chin on my knees. I reached out to my phone when I heard it ring. Aiden sent me a message.
Aiden: I will come over later. Get well.
Binalik ko ang phone ko sa table bago hinilig ang ulo sa dingding. I feel so tired when I have not even started my day. Isa ito sa mga epekto ng mga karaniwang panaginip ko–ang pagurin ako. I managed to bring myself to the shower and clean myself up despite feeling weak.
"Sophia?" Narinig kong tanong ni Mommy mula sa aking kwarto.
"In here po." Nilakasan ko nang kaunti ang pagkakasabi para marinig niya ako. I do not want her getting too riled up again.
"I... left your food on your desk. Eat, ha," she said aloud as I felt the water drop on my face down until my feet. Pinanood kong pumatak sa malamig na sahig ang tubig at ang pag-agos nito papunta sa drain mula sa aking paa.
"Yes, 'My," nakatulala kong sambit.
I immediately picked up my paintbrush after putting on clothes and eating brunch. A towel was wrapped around my head as I stared at the medium-sized canvas in front of me.
I could feel what I wanted to release. All the pain, panic, and misery. I wanted to let them out and look at the beauty they possess when they were not inside me.
I let my hair fall and dry on its own. I dipped the brush in the red paint and started painting.
"Honey, baba ka muna."
Inangat ko ang aking tingin mula sa pinipinta, only to see Daddy standing by the doorframe. I let out a heavy sigh and calmly stopped what I was doing.
Akala ko talaga I was getting better pero iyon pala, aatakihin ako kinabukasan. I thought the less pain from when I woke up yesterday meant something. I had hope, but it immediately disappeared when I closed my eyes to sleep.
Binaba ko ang mga gamit at pumunta kay Daddy. Panandalian kong sinulyapan ang aking naipinta bago dumiretso sa kanya. He held my shoulder as he accompanied me downstairs.
Dad was sporting a toothless grin when we both saw Mom holding what looked like a big bag with a transparent cover on one side. All around, there were small holes in the cloth.
"We have a gift for you," salubong niya sa amin.
Kunot-noo akong lumapit at ibinaba ni Mommy ang dala-dalang bag at binuksan ang malapintuang gilid nito.
I stopped in my tracks while I waited for what is inside to come out.
I really cannot take surprises. It has been a while since they prepared me one.
Pakiramdam ko maiiyak ulit ako dahil isang itim na tuta ang lumabas sa bag na iyon at dire-diretsong tumakbo sa paligid naming tatlo.
Hindi ko pa naproseso masyado kaya naiwan akong nakatulala samantalang tumabi na si Mommy kay Daddy.
Isang tahol ang pinakawalan ng tuta at napatingin ako sa kanya tapos sa aking mga magulang bago bumalik ang tingin ko sa kanya.
"She is a pug. Name her whatever you like," nakangiting sabi ni Mommy habang nakakakapit sa braso ni Daddy.
"A pug," bulong ko sa aking sarili. Hindi pa rin makapaniwala sa nakikitang hayop sa harap ko.
She stopped right in front of me with a smile plastered on her adorable dog face. At least I think it is a smile.
Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong maiyak when I crouched down and sat on the floor just so I could properly see her.
Tumahol siya ng isa pang beses at nag-abang sa aking gagawin.
I patted her head at sinalubong niya naman ang kamay ko noong hinawakan ko siya. I rubbed her neck and I felt her shiver in delight.
"Maya," I said and looked up at my parents. Seeing them smile made me feel so happy. I want this. I want to stay like this forever.
"Maya," inulit ko pa at tumahol naman ang tuta na para bang tuwang-tuwa siya sa pangalan na natanggap.
Dumating si Aiden na may dala-dalang ice cream. Naabutan niya akong buhat-buhat si Maya sa aking mga braso at sobrang natuwa naman siya.
"Hello, little guy," he said in his best attempt to make his voice a lot higher than his usually low voice. Napangiti ako sa tono ng kanyang pagsasalita.
"Maya's a she, Kuya," agaran kong pagklaro.
My heart is still beating frantically because of this surprise. Hindi na rin pinansin ni Aiden iyong pagtawag ko sa kanya ng Kuya kaya sigurado akong tuwang-tuwa rin siya.
"Maya," pag-ulit niya kagaya ng pag-ulit ko kanina. He caressed her head and she yawned–her tongue sticked out and rolled in the air. Natawa kami pareho ni Aiden bago niya ako aluking kumain ng dala-dala niya.
We went straight to the entertainment room and watched a fantasy film while eating ice cream. Si Maya ay natutulog sa gitna naming dalawa habang nakaupo kami sa mga unan na nilatag namin sa sahig. Si Mommy naman, nakatulog na sa sofa sa likod namin. Napagod siguro dahil sa akin.
I was focused on the film when Aiden tapped my shoulder. I looked up to see him pointing at one of my paintings sa left side ng wall. One that I painted a month ago. Ngayon niya lang ito nakita dahil nagbakasyon sila nila Tita sa London dahil summer break.
He gave me a small smile before looking at it again as if he understood what that painting meant and maybe it is because he did.
It was not my nicest painting. It showed too much emotion that I had to keep it away from me as much as possible. It reminded me too much of myself and it also reminded me of someone else. Placing it here was a good choice dahil napaparito lang naman ako tuwing movie night ng pamilya ko at kapag nandito si Aiden.
The artwork showed the different phases the girl went through before she drowned in her own mind. Blurry figures on a black background with colors ranging from different hues and contrasts depicted what those phases were.
The first blur showcased the vibrant color of red followed by the brightness of yellow; the girl having her hands up, swaying as if it is the happiest time she could ever have in the world. Sumunod ang green kung saan makikita kung paano natigilan ang babae at kalmadong itinahak ang mundong ginagalawan niya. Agad naman itong napalitan ng madilim na kulay ng asul at isang babae ang nakaluhod na mukhang bigong-bigo. It then stopped to a fading color of grey–sign of surrender.
It was just a set of blurry lines and shapes but the meaning of it is true to me.
And seeing Aiden looking at it now intently, I know he remembers the same person as I do. That the meaning is true for him, too.
"You can have it," walang pag-aalinlangan kong sabi. I genuinely feel like he should have it.
"No, no. It is alright. It is just–" Pumungay ang mga mata niya.
I gave him a small smile, "It is a gift, Aiden." He nodded slowly. I watched him clench his jaw and swallow hard.
I remember the only friend I had last year–the way she looked and the way she delivered herself. In some ways, I understand why she did what she had to do but it pains me to see Aiden hurt because of her–because of love.
If I could, I would do anything to bring her back. I wanted to understand her more. I was so focused on myself that I did not see her own pain and all the plans she was being forced to do against her will.
Nagpatuloy kami sa panonood at noong matapos ang movie, saktong nagising si Maya. We decided to have a little photoshoot session with her sa sala and she was the sweetest.
Nakahalukipkip ko silang tinignan ni Aiden habang binibigyan niya ito ng treats.
Jules Lindsay Monteallegre, where are you? You would have loved Maya.
I sighed and went to them. Malapit na mag alas-otso kaya sigurado ako papauwiin na si Aiden. I got the painting I was going to give him from the wall and asked one of the house helps to wrap it for him.
Nagkwentuhan pa kami ni Aiden tungkol sa mga naganap ngayong araw sa school. Dumating na pala iyong isang new student. Apparently, dalawa nga sila at kaklase niya ang isa.
"I am in the same classes as him since he is also taking up business. Madaling kausapin saka naglalaro rin ng football. Nilagay ko iyong pangalan niya sa listahan ng magta-try outs. Noong una, ayaw niya pa but you know, I can be persuasive."
He was grinning the whole time we talked. I think he found a new friend in that guy. Pero halos lahat rin kasi ng mga kaibigan ni Kuya, puro football ang bukambibig kapag nasa paligid kaya hindi na ako magtataka.
"Thank you for coming over," pagpapaalam ko sa kanya. Tumayo siya at bumaling sa akin bago nagsalita. I repayed his tired smile with a beaming one. Inabot niya ang ibabaw ng ulo ko bago ginulo ang buhok ko.
"Anything for you, Soph," sabi niya bago pumunta kung nasaan sila Mommy para makapagpaalam na.
In bed with Maya, I scrolled through my twitter feed. I got notified for a follower request kaya pumunta ako sa app. Hindi ako madalas gumamit ng social media, but Aiden forced me to make accounts. Puro tag niya lang sa akin ang nire-retweet o shine-share ko sa mga ito.
Agad kong chineck iyong account pero mukhang bago pa lang ito dahil maski icon wala ito. Tinignan ko rin ang tweets tutal public account naman pero isa pa lang ang naroon.
@fr1547: "I will make your nightmares mine. So, you can sleep tonight."
That is weird. Kunot-noo ko iyong tinitigan bago um-exit sa app. Wala akong ginawa para sa request ng account na iyon.
I placed my phone on my bedside table at tinutok ko na lang ang atensyon kay Maya. Pug snores sound so cute. I took a few more pictures of her before lying down to sleep beside her.
My day did not start well but at least it ended so much better than I anticipated.
Pumikit na ako dahil sa sobrang pagod at hinayaan ang sariling mawala sa sarili kong pag-iisip.
Sa lahat ng naranasan ko, moments like earlier with my family are what I treasure the most. Na kahit na sanay na ako na mag-isa at pagod, may mga pagkakataon pa rin para sumaya kahit iilan lamang iyong mga taong nagmamahal sa iyo at kasama mo.
I breathed in a contented sigh bago ako hilain ng antok.
Hinayaan kong maulit nang maulit ang mga nakikita sa panaginip at lamunin ng dilim.
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