Kabanata 3

Ang Akalang Simula

I woke up to the sound of my own chest heaving. Hinawakan ko ito sa kaisipang makatutulong ito sa akin pero wala itong nagawa. Sobrang sakit ng ulo ko na hindi ko magawang buksan ang mata ko. Ngunit, kahit na masakit, agad kong napansin na hindi ito kasing sakit ng mga migraine na nararamdaman ko kadalasan.

I tried to do the breathing exercises I was taught to do since everything started. I clutched my blanket around me and willed myself to stay calm. The pain in my temples was slightly soothed when I rubbed my fingers against them. It hurt a lot but not as much as it did when I first got out of my nightmare today.

I am used to this pain, but it does not make this any easier.

Binuksan ko ang aking mga mata. Dahil sa pagkakatabon ng kumot sa akin, kadiliman lang ang nasilayan ko. Agad ko itong binaba bago ko pa maalala lahat ng nangyari sa panaginip.

But of course, I do remember. I have been lost in that dream for eight years. I remember every single detail, the feeling of familiarity and of not knowing as well.

I sat down slowly and looked around me. I am still a bit dazed, but I know I am awake.

Thank God, I am awake.

It is half past four in the morning and I need to prepare for the first day of my final year in high school. Bumangon ako at dumiretso sa banyo.

After taking a shower, I went to my cabinet to get my uniform. Facing the mirror, dahan-dahan kong binutones ang aking white blouse before tucking it into my knee-length maroon plaid skirt. I tied the ribbon on my neck before proceeding to brush my hair. Nakakapanibago pa rin para sa akin na nakakasuot na ako ng ganito. Being home-schooled for years left me this always amazed feeling whenever I put on my uniform. Bagamat naranasan ko na pumasok sa school ko ng isang taon noong Grade 11, hindi ko masasabi na nakapag-adjust na ako. Pakiramdam ko hindi talaga ako masasanay. I already feel out of place while wearing this kahit na alam kong pare-pareho lang kami ng suot.

Sinusubukan makipag-usap ng mga kaklase ko sa akin pero hindi ko pa kayang makisalimuha sa kanila na hindi naiilang. They have tried to befriend me, but I always have my walls up. The last time I let someone in, she broke my heart and my cousin's. That is why I am still imprisoned in my own world.

Hinayaan kong bumagsak ang maalon kong buhok sa aking mga balikat. Kumuha ako ng panali para gamitin mamaya. I will tie my hair up into a ponytail later to make me look less tired than usual. Kahit papaano, nakukuhaan ko ng kaunting lakas ang maliliit na kilos kagaya nito.

Tinitigan ko ang aking mukha sa salamin at halatang mukha akong nawawalang bata. My slanted brown eyes and default awed expression looked wrong in so many ways. I did not need a face where I looked what I feel. But alongside everything I am suffering from, I get this.

My family and relatives branded me as beautiful, but I just cannot see it and that just made me feel more embarrassed about myself. I get embarrassed by a lot of things, but especially with how I look. Sa simpleng interaction lang ay hiyang-hiya na kaagad ako, paano pa kapag tungkol na sa akin mismo ang usapan.

Mom and Dad were sitting at the dining table, eating breakfast, when I came down. I caught the two of them looking at each other lovingly at natigilan ako. They looked so peaceful together that I just want to look at them for a moment. Ilang segundo ang lumipas at napaangat ng tingin si Mommy sa hagdan kung nasaan ako. All the doubts in my heart faded away when she smiled at me.

"Good morning, sweetie," Mommy said in her usual joyful tone. I smiled a bit and walked to them. I kissed her on the cheeks and made my way to my Dad to do the same thing.

I wonder what they look like when I am with them, how we look like all together, too. Alam ko naman sa sarili ko na hindi ganoon kapanatag ang mga ekspresyon nila kapag nandito ako–laging may kasamang pag-aalala at lungkot. How do others see us in their point of view?

I stayed standing and sighed at the thought. Kumunot agad ang noo ni Daddy at napatingin siya sa akin, tila naninimbang ng kilos ko.

"Is there something wrong, dear?" the worry lines on his face now showing.

"Were you not able to sleep well again because of your dreams?" dagdag na tanong ni Mommy.

Dahan-dahan akong umupo sa pwesto ko sa mesa at bumaling sa kanila. Hindi sila umimik at hinintay ang aking sasabihin. Isang malakas na simoy ng hangin ang umikot sa loob ng bahay at doon ko lamang naibuga ang hindi namalayang pinipigil na paghinga.

"My head just did not feel as painful as before po," nakakunot-noo kong sambit na para bang hindi makapaniwala sa naramdaman kanina. I mean, it did hurt but not as painful as the usual ones.

Bakas ang pag-aalala at pag-aalinlangan sa kanilang mga mata, ngunit napalitan naman ito ng pagkamangha dahil sa aking ibinalita. Maybe this is a sign that something's changing, na gagaling na ako. I do not want them to worry anymore.

Inabot ni Mommy ang kamay ko at pinisil. Tahimik kaming tatlo nang ilang segundo bago nagsalita si Daddy. He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and gave me a small smile.

"I will set an appointment for you, dear. Pwede ba mamayang hapon pagkatapos ng klase mo? Para malaman agad natin kung anong masasabi ng doktor mo."

The tone Dad used was so calm and soothing, I had trouble keeping the tears in my eyes from brimming. I nodded a lot of times while keeping my eyes closed just so I will not cry. I took my hand from Mommy and pressed my fingers on my eyelids.

She gave out a light-hearted laugh na nagpagaan din ng loob ko kaya naman napangiti na rin ako. When I opened my eyes again, Dad put his left arm around my mother's waist while his other hand ruffled my hair gently.

"We love you," sabay nilang sambit, na para bang hindi sila magsasawang sabihin iyon sa akin. Tumango ako.

I checked my phone to see if Aiden was on his way only to hear him come into our hourse. Nag-bless siya kayla Mommy at Daddy bago nagpaalam na aalis na kami. He gave me a smile before lending me a hand with my things.

My cousin is 3 years older than me pero ayaw niya na tinatawag ko siyang kuya–ayaw niya raw magmistulang matanda when we act the same age. Siya rin ang nag-alok sa akin na sumabay sa kanya araw-araw pumunta sa school since may sasakyan na siya at pareho lang ang school namin.

We both study at a university in Manila na may senior high school program. He is in his third year in college samantalang Grade 12 pa lang ako. My parents wanted me to go to a school where I know someone. Buti na lang at may classes for my chosen strand and year itong school niya.

Si Aiden James Estrella ang naging solusyon para hindi ako mahirapan sa pagpasok. Magkasama kami sa Sweden noon, but when he needed to go to college, my uncle thought it would be best if he studied in the Philippines to better understand their company that started here. He helped with my relationships with people even if I barely talk to anyone. I even formed what I thought was a solid friendship with someone because of him, but it ended as soon as it started. Having friends, for me, is really too good to be true kahit na tulungan niya ako.

Pagkalabas namin ng gate napansin ko ang isang puting van sa tapat ng katabi naming bahay. Kunot-noo ko iyong tinitigan dahil sa pagkakaalam ko matagal nang walang nakatira doon. Boxes were being moved by men in uniform from the vehicle to the house.

"Soph." Agad kong binalik ang atensyon sa sasakyan sa harap ko. He was holding the door of his Mercedes-Benz for me at nakita ko ang mabilis na pag-sulyap niya sa kaganapan sa katabing lote. Kung hindi pa ako tawagin ni Aiden, hindi na ako titigil sa pagtitig.

"S-Sorry," mabilis kong apila bago pumasok.

He closed the passenger seat at hinintay ko siyang umikot papunta sa side niya habang nakatingin sa pinapanood ko kanina. Napatingin tuloy ako ulit at nahagip ng mata ko ang likod ng isang lalaking hindi naka-uniporme pero nagbubuhat ng box papasok ng bahay.

Siya kaya iyong bagong titira diyan?

Nahinto ako sa pagtingin nang marinig ang pagsara ng pintuan ng driver's seat.

"Soph, seat belt mo." Binaling ko ang atensyon ko sa pag-aayos ng seatbelt habang si Aiden naman ay pinaandar na ang kotse.

"You have new neighbors?" tanong niya. Tumingin ulit si Aiden sa gilid at napatingin na rin ako. Wala na ang lalaki kanina at maliliit na lang na mga kahon ang kinakarga ng mga trabahador. Siguro patapos na sila. But is not it too early in the morning to move?

I shrugged, "I did not know that we did." He nodded and started driving, while I laid back in my seat.

Hindi pa pala nag-aalmusal si Aiden kaya naman dumaan kami sa drive-thru. Nagpabili na rin ako ng hot chocolate sa kanya. Eight o'clock pa naman ang pasok namin. It is a 30-minute drive from my house to our school at maaga-aga pa.

Tahimik ako buong byahe which is not that unusual. Everyone in my family was oriented about my condition, that is why they treat me like I am a precious gem. Alam ko rin naman sa sarili ko na ang fragile ko pero kahit minsan man lang I hoped they would treat me normally. Si Aiden na ang pinaka-close to normal ang pagtrato sa akin. He is my best friend.

"Hey, if something happens, you call me, okay?" pagpaalala niya sa akin. I gave him a small smile and nodded.

"May doctor's appointment ako mamaya. Pwede mo ba ako ihatid?"

Simula last year, siya na lagi ang sumasama sa akin, utos na rin ni Daddy sa kanya. Kapag may oras naman sila ni Mommy ay sumasama sila pero ayaw ko na silang istorbohin sa trabaho nila. They mostly just stay outside of the room during a session. Every now and then, ay pinapapasok din naman sila para kausapin din.

"Anything for you, Soph," seryoso niyang sagot habang nakatitig sa harapan. Sumilip siya sa akin bago ako binigyan ng ngiti. Nginitian ko siya pabalik bago tumingin sa mga tanawin sa labas.

"I heard from someone that we will have new people in the campus," sabi niya habang ikinakanan ang sasakyan niya at nanatili akong nakatingin sa mga dumadaang puno. "One in my year and one in yours," pagpapatuloy niya.

He is one of the popular students in campus. Aiden's also friends with some officers in the student council. Kaya kahit na malaki ang unibersidad ay nalalaman niya ang mga ganitong bagay.

"Hirap pa naman ng feeling na papasok sa bagong school," walang gana kong sabi. Na-i-imagine ko iyong mga itsura nila; Parang ako lang siguro noong una kong tapak sa school. Hindi ma-rehistro ang paligid at walang alam. Nawawala.

"I am sure they'll be fine. Just tell me if they ever bother you," he said with a hint of protectiveness in his voice.

Dumaan ang araw sa paaralan at walang ibang ginawa kung hindi mag-orient ng mga estudyante at magpakilala sa bawat subject dahil first day pa lang naman. I dread the getting-to-know part the most especially when they ask, "Tell me something about you that is unique."

Gusto ko na lang sabihin sa lahat na may sakit ako kaya iyon ang nakakapagbukod-tangi sa akin. Wala nang iba pero ayaw ko rin na kaawaan nila ako. Fortunately, I know some people from last year kaya mas naging magaan ang pagpapakilala ngayong taon kaysa noong huli.

"Heather, sabi ng mga taga-ibang section, sa klase raw natin mapupunta iyong new student!" sabi ng kaklase kong nagngangalang Michelle.

"May balita na ba? Gwapo ba?" agad namang sagot ng best friend niya. Kaklase ko sila nakaraang taon at mababait din. They try to talk to me and include me in their activities sometimes.

"Sure ka bang lalaki?" singit ng isang lalaking hindi ko matandaan ang pangalan. Nakakunot ang kanyang noo at para bang galit sa konsepto na may new student sa klase namin. Anong mayroon kung lalaki?

"Oo, lalaki raw!" pagsang-ayon ni Michelle kay Heather. "Reliable ang sources ko, noh," pagtataray niya sa sumingit sa usapan nila.

Ang iba sa mga classmates ko ay nakikinig rin sa usapan pero hindi nagsasalita. Nakikita ko sa mga ekspresyon nila na na-e-excite sila na may bagong mukha na darating dito sa amin. I wonder if my classmates last year felt that way before I got here. Pakiramdam ko tuloy hindi ko inabot ang expectations nila–that their initial excitement led to disappointment.

Pinaparamdam naman nila sa akin na naiintindihan nila ako dahil home-schooled ako noon pero parang hindi ko maibalik sa kanila iyong enthusiasm na ibinabahagi nila sa akin. I found others that were home-schooled like me before, but I noticed they do not have trouble with their interactions. Talagang sa akin lang may mali.

"Kailan papasok kung ganoon?" tanong ng isa pa.

I looked out the window and stared at the way the trees moved with the wind as my thoughts wandered. I immediately looked away when I saw a flash of the forest in my dream.

"Siguro bukas nariyan na siya!" hula ni Heather.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply before opening them again.

Buong araw iyon ang naririnig kong usapan ng mga kaklase. Nginingitian ko na lang sila kapag mukhang sinasama nila ako sa usapan. Kinumusta naman ako ni Michelle pero bukod doon wala na talagang nakipag-usap sa akin.

I was packing my stuff when I heard some of the girls squealing. Hindi ko na kailangan isipin kung bakit. Sigurado akong si Kuya Aiden iyong nasa pinto at hinihintay ako.

"Ang gwapo talaga ng pinsan ni Sophia!" Narinig kong bulong noong isa. Ang lakas pa rin ng pagkakasabi niya kahit na bulong.

"Oo, tapos iyong katawan pa! Parang ang sarap hawakan!"

Nangingiting napailing ako sa mga sinasabi nila. Nakakatawa kasi na kinikilig sila nang ganito para kay Aiden, when he is the most basic guy in my eyes.

Nahuli nila akong nakatingin at agad naman silang pinamulahan ng mukha. I smiled at them pero yumuko lang sila, halatang hindi sanay sa pagpapakita ko ng emosyon. Nakita kong nakatitig sa akin si Heather at nginitian ko na rin siya bago lumabas. My therapist advised me to try smiling when I make eye contact with people I know. Mukhang effective kahit na parang nagugulat sila.

"Let's go," ani Aiden pagkalabas ko. I can see how his shoulder tensed from the attention dahil galing ito sa mga kaklase ko. Normal na sa kanya ang pinagtitilian pero dahil sa nangyari sa kanya noong nakaraang taon, hindi siya kumportable kapag galing sa classroom ko ang mga babaeng nagfa-fangirl dahil sa kanya.

"Mauna ka na," tukoy niya sa pagpasok sa clinic. He was still clenching the steering wheel even when he already turned off the engine. Kanina pa siya tensyonado mula nang sunduin niya ako sa classroom. I pretend like I do not see his pain and he pretends to not be bothered by it at all.

"A-Ah, sige. Huwag kang matagal ha," sabay labas ko para makapasok sa clinic.

When I reached the lobby agad akong tinawag ng nasa desk para kuhain ang vital signs ko. Pagkatapos, pinapasok na ako sa opisina ni Doktora Gizon. She was intently reading some papers on her table and did not take her eyes off them as she gestured for me to sit down.

Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses akong nakapunta dito simula nang umuwi kami sa Pilipinas. She was recommended by my doctor in Sweden and I feel comfortable with her just like with Dr. LeBlanc. She put her glasses down and then looked at me with tired but kind eyes. I squirmed a bit in my seat dahil sa lamig pero dahil na rin siguro sa antisipasyon.

"Kumusta ka, hija? Anong mga nararamdaman mo lately?" Iyan ang lagi niyang paunang tanong sa akin. Paulit-ulit ang mga sinasabi ko sa kanya sa ilang beses naming pagkikita. Ngayon, maiiba na.

"Dok, a-ano po kasi... hindi po katulad ng dati iyong sakit sa ulo na naramdaman ko kaninang umaga pagkagising ko." She wrote something down before looking at me again.

"Hmm, may mga binago ka ba sa routine mo?" Pinasadahan niya ng tingin ang aking buong mukha bago nagtipa ulit. I wonder what she sees when she looks at me.

"Uh, eh, wala naman po." I feel so conscious right now. Hindi naman ganito dati. Iyon lang ba ang sasabihin niya?

She pursed her lips and nodded. "Sige." Tumayo siya at ginawa ang mga procedure para i-assess ako physically and mentally. Marami siyang tinanong tungkol sa nararamdaman ko. Tumagal ang consultation sa akin nang kalahating oras. Nang matapos ay pinaliwanag na sa akin ni Doktora ang aking kailangan gawin at ang kanyang prognosis mula sa aking ibinalita sa kanya.

"Baka tumalab na iyong gamot na ibinigay ko sa iyo noong una kaya hindi na gaanong masakit. Keep observing your condition for the next week and then we'll see if may need tayong i-adjust sa medicine in-take mo." Mahinahon niyang sabi habang nagsusulat ng reseta.

"Do you still have a stock of your anxiety pills?"

"Opo. I only take it when needed." She nodded and continued writing.

"How about your dreams, did anything happen?" Those are not dreams, they are nightmares.

"Uhm, wala rin po." How I wish na may magbago.

"Okay, here." Inabot niya sa akin ang reseta. She explained the purpose of the medicines that she gave me, and she asked an assistant to get some of them from their supply.

When she opened the door to lead me out, tumayo si Aiden mula sa kinauupuan sa lobby. Kinausap siya saglit ni Doktora, saying the usual things she says to him or my parents. Hindi na bago sa akin ang eksenang ito. It is like every week may bagong set na naman ako ng gagawin ot kaya gamot na iinumin na para bang isa akong eksperimento.

I think that I really am an experiment though. As far as I know cases like mine are rare at mahirap talagang gamutin. Iyon mismo ang sabi sa amin ng pamilya ko noon.

Being diagnosed at 9 years old with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder associated with nightmare disorder and dissociative amnesia eventually led to social anxiety.

We had to move to Sweden when I was 11 for reasons my parents did and do not want me to know. They just told me that something bad happened to me and I had to get away and get better. My doctors told me before that my brain was protecting me.

All I did as a little kid was nod and let my parents bring me where they thought would be safe for me. Especially with the lost memories, they were the only ones I can trust and depend on.

Naunang lumabas si Aiden habang nananatili ako para hintayin ang reseta at mga gamot na kailangan ko.

Pagpasok ko sa sasakyan niya, nakita kong hawak niya ang cellphone niya na nakalapag sa kanyang hita habang nakasandal ang ulo niya sa headrest. He was not even bothered when someone opened the door. He immediately knew it was me.

He kept his eyes closed while I put my seatbelt on.

I know what is bothering him and I want to ask but I know I should not. By asking a person how he feels, and then making him admit it, it makes the emotions they were hiding more real. As much as I want to help him, I know I cannot because I cannot even help myself. Alam ko na ayaw niya rin na dumagdag pa iyong problema niya sa problema ko.

"The usual, huh?" malungkot niyang tanong.

Napangiti ako dahil ito ang lagi naming usapan pagkatapos ko magpa-check up. "The usual."

Maybe, like me, he thought what I felt, the less painful headache, meant something.

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