Kabanata 1
Ang Siyang Kadahilanan
"It's cold," were the first words that came out of my mouth as soon as I realized I am once again in this familiar yet strange place–mag-isa sa hindi malamang dahilan. I looked around to see if there was anything different this time pero iisa lang.
The full moon looked closer to the line where the ocean ends. Bukod doon wala nang naiba. Ang naglalakihang mga puno sa bukana ng gubat ay nakalatag nang napakahusay sa gilid ng kalsada. They felt like they were enveloping me, trapping me in the darkness.
It is funny how one moves in a dream without even instructing yourself to do so.
Tila ba pinaglalaruan tayo ng sarili nating pag-iisip. It makes us spectators when we are asleep. We watch our bodies do something, but we do not know what it is going to be. We do not know what is going to happen.
My feet moved toward where the sand begins as the freezing air kissed my cheeks. The waves remained peaceful as I walked along the shore absentmindedly as if I were a wandering soul lost in melancholy.
I have been here every day for eight years, but I am still wondering about what is next. And that terrifies me.
I looked to my right to see the dark forest. There is a path that splits the trees into half, and it was still very terrifying to look at. There was something wrong with it. I can tell with every inch of my body. I do not want to go where this body goes. Pero kahit ayaw ko man, ang mismong utak ko na ang nagdidikta na hindi ako ang makapagpapasya niyan.
"Run."
My body flinched as I heard a deep and soft voice inside my head.
The next thing I knew, I am walking and then running towards the place I did not want to be. I kept on screaming, but I was overpowered by my own unconsciousness. I followed the path and was instantly swallowed by the void within the forest.
"Run."
I gasped as I tripped for God knows how many times. Napagod na ako magbilang mula nang magsimulang magbago ang panaginip na ito. My head hit the ground and blood started running down my face. My lips trembled and my eyes blurred.
For the past years, I have stayed frozen in place and got dragged by the body that chased me. The darkness of the forest swallows me. Dinadala ako sa lugar kung saan hindi ako makakahingi ng tulong sa ibang tao, at kung saan maiiwanan akong mag-isang walang makita, at maintindihan.
And then I wake up.
This part has happened enough for me to memorize the scene, but the sounds, shadows, and the body approaching me still scare the hell out of me. I do not know where it came from and I do not know what they are. I do not even know where I am, where my mind was able to conjure up a place like this.
I was not supposed to run. I never did. Sa hindi alam na kadahilanan, ilang araw na akong tumatakbo papalayo sa humahabol sa akin.
For days of going into this nightmare these past weeks, I do not get dragged. Instead, I listen to the new voice in my head–and run.
I heard a guttural growl from my pursuant. Lagi kong naiisip na nagugulat siya tuwing sisimulan kong iangat ang sarili at tatakbo ako. The thought never stopped me from running though.
Sa sinimulan kong pagtakbo, unti-unti kong naramdaman ang panghihina at ang sakit na bumabalot sa aking katawan. Isa rin ito sa mga bagay na hindi nangyayari noon. Whenever I run now, it feels like I am the one taking control.
My legs were numb, and my feet were aching as if I have been running nonstop for weeks. Even my arms stung from my earlier fall. I do not know how far I have already run when I realized no one was chasing me anymore. I slowly stopped as I look from behind me even though I cannot see my surroundings clearly.
I am supposed to wake up after running.
Is my dream... changing again?
Sinubukan kong tumakbo pakanan. As soon as I did, I slammed against someone. I was too shocked that I immediately screamed my lungs out and pushed myself away. Until I felt lean and strong arms wrap around me, stopping me from moving and at the same time calming me.
Hindi ko makita kung sino. Ang tanging sigurado ako ay lalaki ang taong ito base sa tikas ng katawan.
My surroundings started to spin and the next thing I know, I am still being hugged by this stranger–but we are not in the forest anymore.
We were back on the beach.
What the heck is happening?
I felt my arms moving on their own once again. The next thing I knew, I am hugging him back as well. We stayed like that for a while until the moment I realized I was crying. Hindi lamang ang persona sa panaginip ko ang umiiyak. Ramdam ko sa sarili ko na ako iyon mismo. For the first time in years, someone found me in this place. I squeezed the person right in front of me tighter and leaned my head on his chest.
That is when I felt his breath on my ears, nakakapanibago at nakakapanindig-balahibo. I have been lost in this place for so long, I no longer knew how being found feels like. The way his arms wrapped around me gave me a sense of home and security–that I will no longer get hurt in this place.
"Whatever you do Sophia, do not stop running."
The voice.
It is his.
It is him.
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