The Imposter Within

TW: This post contains topics that readers may find heavy to digest.

I sell my art as merchandise through my shop, which I call Zia's Heart. The reason for that being the name is that I wanted to give the message to my family and friends that this is what my heart desires. Zia wishes to write and draw to their heart's content...

With that said, first of all, finals are rolling in for the 1st semester of my 2nd year as a medical student. To be honest, I'm not doing as good as others might expect me to be. I have been faced with failure after failure every exam I take, and the desire to do better paralyzes me. I end up not being able to do what needs to be done. Just thinking about the drastic measures I must take so I can catch up leads me into depressive episodes. 

I knew from observation that medical school is hard, but living in it is harder... and having bipolar II while doing so makes it much more difficult. However, as much as I would want to escape, I am bound here and failure should not be an option. I cannot afford to fail, in the literal sense of the word since I'm in a scholarship. 

I pushed through tabling at this year's Paskomiket despite this because it was a slot from the 2024 Paskomiket that got cancelled due to a typhoon. I did not want to waste the money I spent getting a table there, so I figured I should use it still, and we only had events in 2025 to roll over to. I am honestly glad I did. 

I did not register for any events in Manila this year since logistics-wise, it would be too much of a chore for someone who already has so little time to make time for herself and as well as make art. But it's Komiket. Who wouldn't want to table at Komiket? That has been my dream event to table at since I first moved to Manila and I found out art markets were a thing.

I did face mishaps during preparation. I had to suddenly find a last minute replacement to sell my items for me. It was really horrific, but I pushed through, finding replacements (with an s) without shedding a tear. To be fair, I am at this point, void of being able to release tears with how much medical school demands from you in all aspects of your being. Or maybe I should give credit to my medication for making me somewhat feel better and allowing me to manage my emotions in a way that could keep me functional. But truly it was stressful being in a state of dread already because of school and what was supposed to be rest, ended up with a problem too. That is why I give my utmost appreciation to my two cousins who came through and helped me out and have expressed wanting to keep helping me for future events should I choose to continue Zia's Heart.

I am really so so grateful to everyone that bought from my booth. I had low expectations but being reported to that people were buying my merch really made me happy in those two days of the event. I had spontaneous classes I had to be in on both days so it was really a struggle ensuring that my attention stayed in class and I was able to do my reports properly while managing the business. The sales were enough to earn back what I spent for the event and it was definitely better than previous original-oriented art events I have been in. 

But seeing the numbers that show I didn't profit, still made me sad. Fanart still sold more than my own ideas and characters and I wished it was better than I had thought it would be. This is why I know I cannot depend on art and writing alone. I need a profession that offers stable income since I am not as great as an artist as those who can live off making art or writing only. 

Hence, I'm going to be honest with you that I get this crippling anxiety with my art and writing nowadays, too. I have been for a few months, disappointed in myself. I am not happy with how my art skills have worn off in the two years of not consistently drawing as I have before. I don't like how I keep postponing every chapter of a story that has been stuck in my mind for so long. Even There's Something About Thesis (TSAT) has been sitting at the back burner since 2022 and if I did not get depressed at the time, maybe I would have been able to draw and write it. But alas, the what if has passed and there were circumstances that lead to the delay...

I have always been a go-getter for the things I want but deep inside, I am insecure. I have always wondered if I will ever be a good artist and an established writer. Not when I struggle to put things out or make time for the things I really want to do. Yes, I have Nang Makita Kitang Muli out but even it being published, still leaves plenty of doubt inside of me. I have also been wondering if I will ever be a good doctor, not with me flunking every exam and not grasping the amount of medicines, pathogens and illnesses that we are studying by the time the exam rolls in. Not with me having to depend my output and productivity on my mood. I think I still want to be both but... I also want to abandon it all. Everyday I keep asking if I should I abandon it all.

I know it's too much. I know I can write or draw later during semestral breaks but the higher I get to medschool the more I will lose time for my passions. I do not want to lose myself but I really feel like I have been slipping away. It's like there is an imposter within me when I still show up to class, when I still post my art and when I try to balance both. 

I'm sorry that this blog post was not what you expected it to be. I promise I will be migrating Dream Chaser and my other stories soon. I am just figuring out if I should do it in batches or once per week. We'll see. I'm not pressuring myself by doing so. These are already written, ones where I just want to reshare at a different place I can call my own so there is no need to worry. It is easy to post what is already there. It's the stagnant unwritten ones that I'm personally anxious about.

I miss writing. I really do. The habit of me writing on my notes when ideas pop out is still there and I will surely find a way to make it all come together for each and every novel title I have in this blog. My stories have been my anchor since I started content creating. What has kept me alive throughout bouts of depression has been the thought that "I cannot die yet. I haven't told them their stories." 'Their' being my original characters. That is why, it means so much to me when someone is interested and invested in them. It makes me want to take care of them more and not give up sharing them to the world.

There is no lesson or great takeaway from this post. I do not want advice. This is just me conveying some things I have been keeping in and struggling to get out. I apologize if it's all over the place. I just wrote what I thought of at the top of my head while trying to make it as organized as I can. I'm not sure where I am headed, and it may seem I am powering through, but that is all there is to it. I feel like I am stuck in a place in between with no hope in choosing one or even the two. God knows I have been trying to but I don't even know where He really wants me and if what my heart desires is really different from what He wants, I am not sure how I should move towards it. 

But truly, letting this out has alleviated the weight on my shoulder, even just a little bit. Again, I am grateful to all of you and I hope my work will be good enough someday. Thank you to everyone that bought from Zia's Heart and I am planning to register for an event or two in 2026. I hope we see you there and I hope I can get past these struggles. Please pray for me as I navigate through finals and that I can redeem myself enough to not warrant removals. 

I am not sure how to end this so thank you and have a good night. I hope you have good dreams and that everyone is eating well everyday in their life.

Love, Zia