Kabanata 19
Ang Kalungkutan
"Kiara, mag-CR lang ako," nahahapo kong sabi pagtapos mag-isang pasada ng sayaw. Para ito sa performance task namin sa isang subject.
Hindi ko na inabangan ang pagsagot ng group leader namin at dumiretso ako agad papunta sa comfort room. Kanina pa ako nagpipigil at sabi niya naman pahinga muna bago magsimula ulit.
Walang tao noong pumasok ako. But when I was inside the cubicle, may narinig akong mga babaeng pumasok. Nang matanto kung sino ang mga iyon ay agad tumindig ang balahibo ko sa kaba.
It is Claudette and her group.
"May narinig akong rumor today. Do you guys wanna hear?" It was Hannah, isa sa mga alipores ni Claudette. We never talked but she would always roll her eyes at me kapag nagkakatinginan kami.
May gyera sa loob ng utak ko kung lalabas ba ako o mananatili akong nakatago hanggang sa lumabas sila. I covered my mouth with my already shaking hands to keep myself from making any noise.
"Crush daw talaga ni Sophia ang Tan-tan mo, girl."
Nanlaki ang mata ko sa narinig. What?
"Tsk. I swear if I will see that bitch, I will drag her hair and mop her face all over the floor," dire-diretsong sabi ni Claudette.
"She does not really know her place," dagdag ng isa pang boses na hindi ko makilala.
Do they always do this? Talk about me?
Pero bakit?
Hindi ko namalayan na papalapit na pala ang ulo ko sa pintuan ng cubicle. My forehead hit it and it made a sound.
Ang tanga, Pia!
I corrected myself. Footsteps from the other side came. Then, a few angry knocks.
"Sinong nandiyan? Get out," Claudette said in her usual tone that can send anyone running for their life.
I should have come out when I still had the chance.
I froze in place. I cannot move. Kung gagawin niya nga ang sinabi niya kanina, hindi talaga ako magpapakita sa kanila!
"Bitch, bingi ka ba? She said get out," pahabol na sabi ng pangatlong boses.
Ayaw ko namang mas lalong magalit sila kaya nakapagdesisyon ako. I tried to correct myself before opening the door. As soon as I opened it, napapikit ako sa biglaang paghila sa buhok ko.
"Aray, aray, aray!" tanging nasabi ko. Her friends hissed then laughed as Claudette dragged me from the cubicle to the sinks.
Tinulak niya ako papunta sa dingding. A short pang of pain stung my back as I hit it. Ramdam ko din ang sakit mula sa paghila niya ng buhok ko.
I looked to my side. I could see our reflections beside me.
Pinaligiran nila akong tatlo at sabay-sabay nila akong tinignan mula ulo hanggang paa. As if they have one mind and its one goal is to ruin me.
Mukha akong daga na napapalibutan ng mababangis na pusa. Even in the mirror, I looked so plain compared to them. They are already wearing bras while I have not even reached puberty.
I never asked for their attention pero laging ako ang napapansin nila. Hindi ko maintindihan.
"Is it true?" Venom dripped from Claudette's words. She crossed her arms on her chest and walked closer to me. Our faces were inches apart when she sneered at me.
"Ikaw na malandi ka! May gusto ka kay Ethan?"
Hindi ako makasagot dahil hindi ko alam. I do not understand what I feel. I do not know. I never thought of him like that.
Suddenly, everything made sense. I remember the first time Claudette told me to back off from being friends with those two. How I lost the other and how the other was suddenly always there. It was because she did like Forest.
Ngayon ba, nalipat na kay Tan-tan? Si Tan-tan naman? O sabay?
Hindi ko maintindihan noong una pero ngayon kuhang-kuha ko na.
Hindi ko inakala na may ikalulungkot pa ako.
Does this mean I have to lose both just so she would leave me alone?
She does not own them pero paano ako? Hindi ko rin naman sila pagmamay-ari. They can choose to do whatever they want.
But... they have chosen, right? Forest already chose. Ethan will have to. Hindi ako ang pinili noong una at hindi rin ako ang pipiliin kalaunan.
Lumapit lalo si Claudette at sinubukan kong umatras kahit na wala na akong maatrasan. I pressed my lips together. Yumuko ako para maiwasan ang matalim niyang tingin sa akin.
She let out a frustrated sigh. I heard her snap her fingers and hinila niya ulit ako sa pamamagitan ng paghablot sa aking braso.
The next thing she did was push me. Ikinatumba ko ito. Hindi ko nga lang inasahan na sa malaking balde ako babagsak.
I flinched as my butt hit the cold water. I was thin but too big to fit kaya na-unbalance ako. Hindi ko maangat ang sarili kahit hindi naman lubusang nakapasok ang katawan ko. Tumama ang faucet sa beywang ko.
Hindi pa sila nakuntento. Binuhusan pa nila ang ulo ko ng malamig na tubig gamit ang tabo.
I gasped in utter shock. I was too dumbfounded to react more.
Hinilamos ko ang kamay ko sa aking mukha. I tried to get up and out of the huge pail pero tinulak ako ni Hannah pabalik. Ang nginig at lamig ay nanuot sa buong katawan ko.
"Do not come near them. Your place is not with them. Diyan nababagay ang mga malandi at halirapot na kagaya mo," singhal ni Claudette sa mukha ko.
I looked up to see her dark eyes and her brow lifted. I realized na kahit ano pang ganda ng isang tao sa labas, kung ganito kapangit ang ugali ay magiging pangit na rin sila sa paningin.
Hindi ko nga lang inakala na kaya niya itong gawin–na kaya nila itong gawin. Ako pa lang ba ang natrato nila nang ganito?
Tuluyan na akong nanghina noong tinalikuran nila ako. "Do not even try reporting or else I am going to make your life a living hell."
Dumaan pa sila sa salamin para ayusin ang sarili nila bago lumabas na parang walang nangyari.
I was once again left alone.
I held onto the pail at dahan-dahang inangat ang sarili. My hands...
Please stop shaking. I need to stand.
I cringed as I stepped on the floor. My shoes got wet too.
I caught myself in the mirror. Bigla akong naawa sa sarili ko.
My hair was still in a ponytail, but it got ruined dahil sa pagkakasabunot sa akin. My whole face was pale, and my P.E. uniform was wet. I look like a complete mess. I pressed my right hand to the opening of the pail.
Nang makakatayo na sana ako ay bigla naman akong nadulas. This time, I fell on the floor sideways. Hinarang ko ang braso ko para hindi ako tuluyang bumagsak. I let out a pained noise but for some reason, I could not cry or call for help.
I want to cry but no tears fell.
The pain in my chest is a pain I cannot release, and it is hurting me more than being hurt physically.
"Sophia?" I heard Kiara before she even opened the door of the restroom. I stayed on the floor. I feel too humiliated.
I want to go home.
I do not want to be here anymore.
"Last na ulit na, Soph. Tara–What the?!"
I knew she saw me already. I did not look up. I could not.
Lumapit siya sa akin at tinulungan akong makaupo. Inabot niya ako nang may pag-aalinlangan–hindi sigurado kung saan ko hahawakan.
My legs and arms were numb. I was still too shocked to do anything. Nanatili akong nakayuko. Wet strands of my hair covered my face.
"T-Teka. Babalikan kita."
Tumakbo siya papalabas. I heard her muffled voice as she called for someone.
I slowly folded my knees in front of me and hid my face with my arms as I placed my forehead on it. I did not realize that I was rocking myself back and forth. Someone's hand suddenly steadied me.
I lifted my face only to see fiery green eyes search for mine. His lips were in a grim line. Sa tagal naming hindi naging ganito kalapit sa isa't isa, halos hindi ko na siya makilala. Just like the others, he was looked more mature. But still, he remained as regal as always.
Nahagip ng paningin ko si Kiara sa likod niya, puno ng pag-aalala ang mukha. I immediately looked down again to hide my face.
Walang imik na nilagay ni Forest ang braso niya sa likod ng aking binti at ang kabila ay pinaikot sa aking beywang.
His boyish scent immediately enveloped me. His familiar smell was the trigger for my tears to finally fall. Binuhat niya ako papunta sa counter at pinaupo doon. Sinubukan kong lumayo dahil mababasa siya pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi niya rin ako hinayaang makawala.
Hindi ko na napigilan ang simula ng mga hikbi. I covered my mouth with my hands para mapigilan ang sarili pero wala iyong naidulot. Halo-halo lahat ng nararamdaman ko at hindi ko alam alin ang uunahin.
For a moment, I thought I was already numb, but his presence was enough to wake up the emotions I was trying so hard to keep within me.
"Kiara, can you get her bag? I am sure she has extra clothes."
"O-Okay."
When we were left alone, lumapit siya at tumayo sa pagitan ng mga hita ko. Patuloy ang pagpunas ko sa aking mga luha at hindi pa rin siya tinitignan.
His touch when he slowly took hold of my right hand made me cry more. Iniwas ko iyon pero walang pasubaling niyang nakuha iyon at hinawakan nang mahigpit. Kahit anong pilit kong kuhain iyon sa kanya ay hindi ko magawa.
"What happened?" His voice broke.
Dahan-dahan kong tinanggal ang kaliwang kamay ko sa aking mukha at hinawakan niya rin iyon kaagad. Nag-angat ako ng tingin. The sight of him was a blur dahil sa patuloy ko pa ring pag-iyak. I could not see his expression.
I know I look like a mess. Nakatalikod man ako sa salamin ay nakita ko na ang sarili ko kanina para malaman iyon. Having Kyle here while looking like this, made me feel more vulnerable than I have ever been.
He locked my hands on my knees using one hand. He touched my cheek with the other at dahan-dahang pinalis ang mga luhang dumadaloy mula sa aking pisngi hanggang sa aking leeg.
I let him.
I miss him.
Unti-unti akong natigil sa pag-iyak at kumalma nang kaunti kahit papaano.
Binitiwan niya ako saglit para hubarin ang jacket niya. Ipinatong niya iyon sa likod ko. Saktong bumalik si Kiara noong lalapitan niya pa lang ako ulit.
Tinulungan ako ni Kiara magpalit pabalik sa school uniform at dinalhan niya rin ako ng tuwalya para makapagpatuyo. Forest waited outside as I fixed myself.
"Thank you," mahina kong sabi na ginawaran naman ni Kiara ng malungkot na ngiti. She was now combing my wet hair while I fumbled with my hair tie.
"Ano ba kasi ang nangyari?" puno ng pag-aalala ang kanyang boses. Ngayon ko lang natanto na hindi na siguro natuloy ang practice dahil sa akin. I cannot help but feel sorry for the problem I have caused.
"W-Wala... N-Nadulas lang," I managed to say.
I knew she did not believe me dahil napanguso siya. Yet, she did not inquire more about it anymore. Nang tignan ko siya ay alam kong may iniisip siyang maaaring nangyari. She probably saw those girls exit before she saw me when she entered.
I gave her a small smile to show that I am okay. Inalalayan niya ako palabas at pareho kaming nagpasalamat ni Forest sa kanya bago niya kaming iwanan na magkasama.
"Come here," nilahad ni Kyle ang kamay niya.
Halos isang metro ang layo ko sa kanya. Hinarap ko siya at nakitang kahit na nagsisimula na siyang mag-mature, hindi maipagkakaila na bata pa rin kaming dalawa. The thought na kahit ganito kami kabata ay may kaya nang gumawa ng ginawa niya, disturbed and saddened me.
I embraced myself at umiwas ng tingin sa kanya. Ayaw kong madamay pa silang mag-pinsan.
Ang paglapit niya ang siya namang pag-atras ko.
"Sinclair," he said my name with enough conviction that it made me look at him. Hurt flashed all over his face.
I gave him a small smile and the action made my insides sink more. Humakbang siyang muli samantalang tinalikuran ko na siya.
When I saw another person walking towards us, my fear worsened. Gaya noong unang beses na may nang-away sa akin, pawala nang pawala ang ngiti sa mukha niya habang papalapit siya. Breathing was starting to become too difficult for me.
I need to get away.
I heard the person behind me exhale. His frustration evident in his voice as he called me again,
"Sinclair." He softly held my elbows, but his touch made me flinch. I stumbled away more.
"Soph?" Worry and curiosity was etched all over Tan-tan's face when he saw how I reacted to Forest.
Naglipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa dalawang lalaki na kasama ko. I did not realize I was memorizing them, their similarities and all the good ways they are different. Sa pag-alala ko sa mga napagsamahan naming tatlo, pakiramdam ko nasusuka ako.
The more that I thought about this decision I have already decided on, the more I realized na tama nga sila. I do not belong with these two. Pareho man kaming mayaman, wala na kaming ibang paghahalintulad pa.
I am too plain while both of them are popular all throughout the school. Maraming humahanga sa kanilang dalawa samantalang walang katangki-tangkilik sa kung sino ako.
Kahit ilang beses kong i-deny ang pagkakaiba ko sa kanila, hindi pa rin mawawala ang mga ito. I will always remain a shadow of their light.
They belong with people who are like them.
People like me have no place in theirs. I have no place here.
I will tell Mommy na isama ako sa Switzerland para hindi na mag-isa si Daddy roon. They would understand. She would understand.
I was now facing both of them. I caught both of their eyes on mine and smiled goodbye.
I took a step back at nanlaki ang mga mata ni Forest. Si Ethan naman ay agad na umabante at nagtangkang hawakan ako. Seeing their faces full of concern and confusion hurt me.
Before I–or they–could change my mind, I turned around and ran.
"Soph! Forest!" Umalingawngaw ang sigaw ni Ethan sa buong field.
Natigil ang mga tao at napabaling sa direksyon namin. I caught some people's gaze follow me as I ran.
Hot tears cascaded down my face once again. My whole body felt weak pero iba talaga ang nagagawa kapag determinado ka. Kahit na sa paglayo pa determinado.
"Sinclair!"
I saw the gate of the school and ran towards it.
I just want out. Ayaw ko na rito.
Just let me out.
"Clair, stop!"
"Soph, stop running!"
"Stop running, Sinclair!"
Paulit-ulit at pasalit-salit ang pagtawag nila. Hindi ko sila sinunod.
I am sorry.
I have made up my mind.
When I was out of the gate, I kept running for a few seconds.
Pain stabbed my chest, making me slow down. Malabo ang mga mata ko dahil sa mga luha pero alam kong sila iyong gumagalaw palapit nang lumingon ako sa pinanggalingan ko.
Hindi na ako makahinga nang maayos sa sobrang sikip ng dibdib. Numbness coated my upper extremities that I had to stop moving.
What is happening to me?
Nakita kong lumabas ang guard mula sa shed pagkakita sa kanilang dalawa at tinuro ako ni Ethan habang si Forest naman ay diretso ang takbo sa direksyon ko.
I let my sobs come out as I watch them desperately trying to keep up with me.
Ang sakit huminga.
Tan-tan... Gubat, I will not forget both of you. Do not chase me anymore, please. This is hurting me more than you will ever understand.
I would rather be the one who goes away kaysa piliin niyong iwanan ako.
"Soph, run!"
What I heard made me stop on my tracks. Did I hear them right?
"Sophia, do not stop now! Keep running!" Forest's hazel eyes were in panic nang lumingon ulit ako sa kanila. I rubbed the tears away from mine to see him clearly. Ethan was directly behind him and the guard just a few feet ahead of Ethan.
"Neng, tumabi ka!" sigaw ng guard.
"Sinclair, run to me!" Forest.
As if in a trance, I stepped towards them–wondering why I even ran away in the first place.
All reason suddenly left me. My doubts were replaced by terrifying silence.
He looked to my left and yelled at the top of his lungs, "Run!"
Sa hirap ng paghinga ko, hindi ko aakalain na pwede pa palang tuluyang tumigil ang kakayanan kong iyon.
Bursts of pain shot through my whole body as something hit me. Before I could react, everything went black.
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