Kabanata 20
Ang Pag-alis
"Calling all passengers on flight Z219 bound for Stockholm, Sweden, the gate is now open for boarding. Please proceed to Gate 8 with your–"
"Tara, Sophia." I turned my head in the direction of the voice–Mom's.
I held her outstretched hand as I pulled my sweater closer to my body. I hid my face with from my surroundings with the help of my hoodie.
Mom said we had to leave but why are we here? There are too many people here. It is too crowded.
We had to leave, but she would not tell me why.
I want to go home.
I could taste bile at the back of my throat, and it made me choke out a pained yelp. Natigil si Mommy sa paglalakad.
Hinarap niya ako. She lifted my chin so our eyes would meet.
I accidentally touched the scar on my forehead when I tried to remove my hair from my face.
"We will just have to walk for a bit more," pakiusap niya sa akin. "Is that okay?" I nodded despite feeling dizzy due to the swarm of people around us.
We had to leave, but she would not tell me why.
Mom slowly stood up and continued walking, holding me in one hand and our luggage in the other.
Pilit kong itinago ang sarili ko mula sa ibang tao at iniwasang may makabunggo. My hands were starting to shake. Mommy squeezed our clasped hands tighter. I did so too in return.
I do not know how long we have been walking or how long my mind has been in chaos. Sunod ko na lang nalaman na nakaupo na kami sa eroplano at palipad na ito. I sat by the window and the scenery outside made me sigh in relief.
Mom was looking at the catalogue at kaming dalawa lang ang magkatabi dahil first class ang kinuha niya para sa aming dalawa. It was what my doctor advised because of the long-haul flight needed to get to Sweden.
Akala ko nasa Switzerland si Daddy pero sa tagal kong nasa ospital, he decided to go to Sweden to look for a good therapist for my condition. We also have family there, he said, and interacting with my cousin might be good for my condition.
Pagod ang mga mata ko dahil sa kawalan ng tulog. Kahit na sinabihan nila ako na kailangan ko nang matulog habang bumabyahe, hindi ko magawa iyon.
My dreams...
I just... feel so lost in them.
Even just thinking about them, makes it hard for me to breathe.
I closed my fists on my stomach to stop myself from thinking. Si Mommy naman ay agad hinawakan iyon at binuksan, "You have to sleep, baby."
Hindi ako umimik at napatulala sa harapan ko. "I will be here while you sleep. Do not worry, ha."
I hissed and gently removed my hands from her hold. I closed my eyes and squeezed myself to the sides to turn away from her. She sighed heavily. A blanket draped over me. I silently let my tears fall and closed my eyes.
Knowing that I do need sleep, I let my mind play its game on me.
I screamed as I opened my eyes. I curled up on my stomach and held on tighter to the blanket. Mom was immediately holding me. I thrashed in her hold, but she did not let me go. Narinig kong lumapit ang isang flight attendant sa amin.
"Ma'am, what is wrong?" natatarantang tanong nito. I was breathing heavily and choking on the tears falling on my face. Mom was hugging me from behind. She pressed her head between my shoulder blades.
"I-I got this. Pahingi na lang ng water, please." Tumingin ako sa paligid at natauhan.
I am awake. I am awake.
I am awake.
"Hon, no, yes, I am alright. She is alright."
We were in the waiting area at kausap ni Mommy si Daddy sa phone. Tahimik kong pinaglalaruan ang tali ng jacket ko.
"She was asleep for 12 hours. T-That is good, right?" She let out a nervous laugh. Tinignan ko siya at nahuli niyang nakatingin ako sa kanya. Maluwag ang hair tie ni Mommy. Wala sa sariling hinawakan ko ang mga ligaw na buhok sa kanyang mukha at hinawi.
"Sige, sige. 5 minutes tops," sabi niya sa kausap at pinatay na ang tawag. Binaba niya ang phone niya at binalingan ako–pinagmasdan kung anong ginagawa ko.
Naiyak ako nang yakapin niya ako bigla. "Sorry, Mommy," I sobbed. I felt so small in my mother's arms. She rubbed my back at pinatahan ako.
Nang dumating si Daddy ay niyakap niya ako at pinaikot-ikot. Hindi ko agad napansin na may batang nakasunod sa kanya.
"I missed you both. Huwag ka na umiyak," I hugged my Dad back as he hugged both of us.
Tumingin ako sa likod niya at nakita ang isang lalaking parang kasingtangkad ni... kasingtangkad ni ano...
Kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa pagkawala ng iniisip. Napatingin na rin ang mga magulang ko sa taong tinitignan ko.
Natawa si Daddy at sinenyasang lumapit ang lalaki. Kamukha niya si Daddy at Tito.
"Soph, siya si Aiden. Anak siya ni Tito Sol mo," turo niya sa lalaking mas matangkad sa akin nang kaunti. "Halika, dali."
Imbes na lumapit ay nagtago ako sa likod ni Daddy samantalang pilit niya akong iginiya papunta sa pinsan ko.
"Hi, Sophia. I am Aiden." Hindi ko siya tinignan at kinagat ang kuko ko. Natigil nga lang noong bigla niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko dahilan para iangat ko ang tingin ko sa kanya.
May gusto akong alalahanin pero hindi ko maalala.
"Do not bite your nails. They are dirty," kunot-noong saway nito. Mom and Dad chuckled. Pinunasan ni Aiden ang kamay ko gamit ang t-shirt niya.
Nag-angat ako ng tingin at nakitang seryoso siya sa ginagawa. Hindi ko namalayan ang pagkatulala dahil para bang pamilyar ang kilos na ganoon sa akin.
"Kuya," I softly said. Sumilay ang ngiti sa mga labi niya bago ako tinignang muli.
After years of therapy in Sweden, I slowly learned to cope with my dreams. I no longer cried and screamed crazily whenever I woke up. It was reduced to migraines and the occasional panic attacks.
Dr. LeBlanc gave us the go signal that we can go back to the Philippines. Tito Sol and Kuya Aiden went home to the Philippines ahead of us. Noong una, ayaw ko siyang umalis para doon magkolehiyo. Dumaan ang dalawang taon at hindi naman nasira ang pagiging malapit namin sa isa't isa.
Dahil makakasama ko ang pinsan ay napapayag ako nila Mommy umuwi tutal pwede naman na raw. Inabisuhan kami na huwag akong biglain at ipagpatuloy muna ang pag-homeschool para sa junior high. Sa Senior High School na lang ako papapasukin sa paaralan kung saan pumapasok si Aiden.
When we got back, I had trouble falling asleep again. Madalas si Kuya sa bahay namin para samahan ako at mabantayan.
I had to adjust once again because of the changes in my environment. As a coping mechanism, both my therapists suggested that I think of a hobby that I can use para ma-release lahat ng stress at emosyon ko sa nangyayari.
I started browsing the internet on how much painting materials would cost.
Nagulat nga lang ako nang pag-uwi nila Mommy at Daddy ay may dala-dala silang isang katerba ng art supplies at canvas. I jumped in delight at the sight and hugged them both.
On that night, I painted my first ever painting. I did not know how yet but I just wanted to do it–to make something beautiful out of my pain; something that the people who have been with me through my struggles would appreciate–my parents, relatives, and cousins.
I placed a clean white square medium-sized canvas on the newly bought easel. Without any further thought, I painted with my heart's content. For the first time in forever, I felt free.
Kabanata 21 →
Comments
Post a Comment