Kabanata 10
Ang Binalewala
"Wala pa pong nagbabago ulit. There is just this voice that kept telling me to run. Imbis na mahablot po ako ng humahabol sa akin. Natatapos po iyong panaginip ko na pinaliligiran ng dilim," pagpapaliwanag ko kay Dr. Gizon.
On Saturdays, this is how I mostly start them–an appointment with her. Kasama ko sila Mommy at Daddy at naghihintay sila sa labas.
"Do you have any idea why a voice in your dream would say 'run' specifically? Do you think you have to run from something?"
Umiling ako.
Nagpatuloy sa pagtatanong si Doktora tungkol sa mga nararamdaman ko, pati na rin kung may napansin na ba akong maaaring nakasanhi nito. I think I am analyzing into everything too much which is why I cannot see what it is.
Sinabi ko iyon sa kanya. Baka mamaya nasa harap ko na pala ang sagot, hindi ko lang napapansin agad dahil lahat iniisipan ko.
May bagong reseta na binigay sa akin at dumiretso kami sa mall. Dumaan kami sa loob ng isang pet store at binilhan si Maya ng sarili niyang higaan, treats, dog food, at toys.
"Alis muna ako," Dad said after receiving a call. May kikitain lang daw siya na kliyente sa katabing building. Namasyal muna kami ni Mommy at nanood ng sine bago magtanghalian.
I do not go out much, but Mommy insisted on buying me clothes if I ever will. I just tried most of them on just to make her feel good. I have a closet which has my never-been-used apparel inside pero bili pa rin nang bili si Mommy.
Naalala ko tuloy noon. Noong bago pa lang ako nagkasakit, I did not want to go out of the house. Hindi ako nakakatulog nang maayos at laging napupuyat. Minsan hindi pa kumakain nang tama kung hindi talaga ipilit ni Mommy.
I was so thin, tired, and terrified because of my nightmares. It stole away the precious time I could have spent with my parents because of being terrified of the world around me. I was too lost in my brain; I did not want to be lost outside of it.
Now that I have gotten used to the pain it brings, parang wala na lang ito. Sabi nga nila na kapag paulit-ulit na lang masasanay ka na. Ganoon na na ang nangyari. Yes, it hurts but I have learned to live with it.
There is nothing I can do for myself. Kaya sinusubukan ko na ang lahat para sa mga magulang ko para makabawi sa pagtatiyaga nila sa akin.
Saktong tapos na kaming mamili nang bumalik si Daddy sa mall. Sa department store na lang siya dumiretso tutal hindi pa kami nakakaalis dito.
We were walking down the shoe section when I saw a familiar face. Kinabahan ako bigla nang matantong si Ethan iyon. He was wearing a gray v-neck shirt and denim jeans that clung to his body tightly.
Mag-isa lamang siyang tumitingin ng dress shirts sa isang mamahaling stall. Bigla niyang inikot ang paningin sa mga racks kaya naman nahagilap niya ako.
I smiled sheepishly at Ethan at siya naman ay abot-matang ngumiti pagkakita sa akin. My parents stopped when they saw me. Ethan approached me while stood in place.
"Nice to see you here, Sophia," sabi niya sa isang masayang tono.
Napapansin kong lagi siyang nakangiti. From what I have heard from Aiden, lapitin din ito ng mga babae dahil siguro doon. He seemed approachable but I still cannot fathom why I get nervous when he is around me.
Who am I kidding? Everyone makes me nervous.
"H-Hi," I waved at him. Naramdaman ko ang presensya ni Daddy sa likod ko. Tumikhim siya kaya pareho kaming napatingin ni Ethan sa kanya. He just nodded to him nang hindi tumitingin sa direksyon ko.
"D-Daddy, si Ethan po. Classmate ni Kuya Aiden," pagpapakilala ko.
Pumunta sa gilid ko si Daddy na ikinaatras ko. Sinulyapan ko si Ethan. Napawi ang ngiti niya.
"Good morning po Mr. and Mrs. Estrella," seryosong bati ni Ethan na binalewala ni Daddy.
"Nice seeing you, Ethan," sagot ni 'My at binulungan si Daddy. I looked at the men in front of us at nagtititigan lamang sila. Tumingin ako kay Mommy.
Kumapit siya sa braso ni Daddy at iminuwestra na papalayo, "Hon, tara na."
I saw how Ethan's Adam's apple moved as he slowly swallowed. Si Daddy naman ay walang ekspresyon lamang siyang tinitigan. Saka lang siya nagbitiw ng tingin nang makalayo-layo na sila nang kaunti.
Huh? Bakit ganoon?
Ethan rubbed the back of his neck nang may simangot sa mukha. What just happened?
He caught me staring at him in confusion. Bigla siyang nag-ayos ng tayo at nginitian ako.
"See you around, Soph," he smiled at me again but this time it did not reach his eyes.
Tatalikod na sana siya kaso hinawakan ko ang braso niya. Natigilan siya at tumingin sa kamay kong nakahawak sa kanya. Kunot-noo niyang binaling ang atensyon sa akin. Kahit ako rin ay nagulat sa ginawa ko.
"Ah, eh..." Tinignan ko ang parents ko na unti-unting lumalayo at tinuro sila. What am I doing again?
"G-Gusto mo sumama mag-lunch?" nanginginig kong tanong. Bakit ko siya tinanong? Halata naman na ayaw ni Daddy sa kanya. I have never seen Dad look at someone the way he did. We need to apologize to him.
His expression softened but there was a sliver of sadness on his eyes. He placed his free hand on top of my head and patted it.
"Ayos na ako, Soph," marahan niyang pagtanggi. "Thank you." I slowly let his arm go and gave him a small smile.
Nauna siyang tumalikod. I was left staring at him as he left. When he was out of sight, agad akong sumunod kayla Mommy na hinihintay ako sa entrance ng department store. Dad still looked pissed off and Mom held his hand. Nang makita nila na papalapit na ako sa kanila ay tinawag na nila ako.
The rest of the day went on quietly. Walang masyadong imik ang mga magulang ko habang kumakain which is weird pero hinayaan ko na lang. Baka may nangyari noong pumunta si Daddy sa kliyente niya kaya badtrip.
Even the ride home was quiet as well. They did not tell me anything and I know it is not for me to pry on what is bothering them. By the looks of it, they do not want me involved in the matter, either.
"What is your life...? It is a vapor... that appears for a little time, and then... vanishes." I say as I paint stardust going out of the girl's body into the dark sky on the canvas.
I made Maya sit on my desk chair beside me so she could watch me while I paint. Kanina pa ako walang magawa dito sa bahay kaya naman I chose to pick up my bible. When I opened it, ang highlighted verse na ito ang nakita ko–James 4:14. I immediately knew what I needed to do.
I gather a lot of inspiration from the things around me but on days like this, when everything is dull and boring, dito ako lagi napupunta sa bible. Reading it gives me a sense of peace that I cannot find when I am apart from it. It is the kind of peace I long for whenever I have my nightmares. I hold on to whatever I can.
Maya whimpered and then put her head on her front paws. Nagpapapansin.
Binaba ko ang brush na hawak ko at saka siya binuhat. Agad niya naman inabot ang mukha ko para halikan. I kissed her once bago ko siya nilapag sa sahig. I sat cross-legged on the floor with her in front of me. Naglaro kami nang naglaro hanggang sa pagod na siya.
For a small dog, she is quite energetic. Ang pagkakaalam ko, tamad na aso ang mga pug. She is sort of unique for her own breed.
"Ang cute-cute mo," I say as I rubbed her belly. Maya's tongue dangled from her mouth. Bigla siyang humikab.
Yakap-yakap ko si Maya nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. It was a friend request from Ethan. Agad ko iyong in-accept at napangiti.
I stared at his profile picture. It looked like a stolen shot of him from an extravagant party. Naka-suit siya sa nakatagilid ang mukha. His jawline and nose were emphasized because of his side view. Tinitigan ko ito nang mariin. I sat up abruptly.
What if... siya ang may-ari ng boses? What if he is the trigger?
Paano kung si Ethan ang may-ari ng boses na nasa panaginip ko? Hindi ba noong araw na may narinig akong boses, iyon ang araw na nakilala ko siya? The possibility that it could be him is feasible.
Daddy... immediately did not like him, though. Maybe... that has something to do with my forgotten past? Like Kyle... could he be part of it?
I was about to cup Maya's little face when I heard something. Nilapag ko siya sa sahig. Umupo agad si Maya nang huminto ako sa paglalambing sa kanya. I pressed my index finger to my lips and shushed her gently.
Napatingin ako sa bintana at dahan-dahang tumayo para pumunta roon. As I got closer, I could hear the faint sound of guitar strings. I moved the curtains away. The lights inside the room adjacent to mine are on. I slowly opened my window and peeked my head out. The music was now clearer, and I could hear a deep voice singing with the tune.
As I stood there listening, I realized that the guitar was being played by the person who was singing. I could only make out a few words but still... the lyrics struck my heart.
"I was on my way...to find you."
I slowly reached for my chair and placed it in front of me. Ilang minuto akong nanatiling nakapangalumbaba sa frame ng bintana para makinig.
When the music and the voice stopped, the lights went off a few seconds later. I picked up a new canvas and replaced my current work on the easel.
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