I've been putting off posting this but here's a letter from me to you

Hi, before I proceed posting art or projects, I would like to be transparent with you. And I hope my desperation to have my merch stocks be sold and my commissions being open would be understood. This is a long one so I'm sorry in advance and thank you for your time.

For new followers, I am currently a medschool student. I failed Pathology in May... hence I need to repeat it for the whole year. That is why I have more time than the previous AY. It's the only subject I need to take. But with failing, I lost my scholarship, one that pays for my medschool tuition fee and also provides a stipend per semester for books, expenses, etc. I didn't want to proceed anymore but... I'm retaking that subject now. My parents insisted they will be the one to pay for my tuition but we still have a remaining fee left and that burden bothers me. I have been a scholar since highschool and I studied my butt off my whole life. It's just that 2nd year was hard and the load last year really got to me. I'm glad I was given a chance to retake. At the same time, I feel very frustrated about it. We are not rich and I hate asking money from my parents because it always comes with a price. Most of the time, its at the cost of my mental health. This post on twt, kofi and my discord server will not be posted on FB or IG haha since they follow me there. Right now, these are the avenue where I think it's safest for me to share this. And I hope nobody snitches haha

Those who have been supporting me know that I have bipolar 2 disorder, one where if in a manic or depressive episode can lead to impulsive decisions. One of my symptoms has always been extravagant purchases to relieve my stress. And by extravagant, I mean expensive purchases beyond my means. At the news of failing and having to repeat, I blew off all my savings and money. And I still have to pick up the pieces left by that specific manic episode. To add to that, I borrowed from loaning apps to buy things I didn't need and been struggling to pay it all back.

Yes, this is my fault. And yes I took my prescribed medication but it still happened and it was all a blur. Bipolar has a chokehold on me during very low seasons of my life and I hate how this is not the 1st time this has happened and that it ended up happening again. Episodes like this always leave me a sense of guilt and frustration. I always had issues with money but being medicated and having the scholarship helped me be debt-free before it all went downhill again. Those who also have BD would know and a simple google search would also explain what I'm talking about. So please spare me of ‘advices’ without knowing what my condition entails.

With BD, I'm either chronically thinking about death or very happy with where my life is. Right now I can say I'm at a low. With lack of funds, I have also been unable to talk to my psychiatrist and buy refills for my meds. I've been trying my best to manage but right now, I get anxious on days of my Pathology classes and being bombarded with calls and texts from the loaning apps have been making me uneasy.

If you're reading this, thank you. Even if it's not monetary support, I appreciate you. And really, I just posted this so I could explain why I keep insisting people buy what I have to offer. I know money is tight for all of us so I appreciate everyone who helps. I just needed to let this be known to those who would want to support me. I know failing is my fault and I felt like I needed to explain the sudden increase in activity in my accounts and why I'm coming back to art. So far, art has been saving me. However, doubt about continuing it is still there. Opening commissions is just one of the ways I think I can pay back my loans since I've been anxious finding a real part-time job. Anxious, that's how I've felt since the last school year ended. And a burden too.

So yes, I am still in 2nd year. I got left behind by my batchmates, and I'm broke and in debt. All the earnings I've been getting has so far went to which loans I can pay. Disclosing the amount would shock you haha and I'm just trying my best to pay it all off bit by bit. I have yet to find where I can do my return service for my scholarship but I'm praying for one where I can still get a salary somehow.

During HoyoFest I was surprised by how many people remembered me and there was a moment where I held myself back from crying because someone asked how I was and that they remembered when I last tabled. I hate being vulnerable in public since most time I think no one cares, but you guys have always proved me wrong. I'm going to take this one step and one day at a time. And even if it might take a while, I'll make sure to be debt-free using the funds I receive from my merch-selling and commissions.

If you read until here, thank you. Your support means a lot to me. I will be opening more services and I have decided to keep my merch orders open until stocks last. When I'm debt-free, I'll open an online shop and website of my own. I promise. I also have Ko-fi donations open but i would feel more comfortable if you availed a comm instead if you would want to help. I’m really sorry if this is a heavy read for you and by no means should you feel obligated to help me financially. Please take care of your own needs first.

Thank you so much and I pray your days are brighter and better than mine. Please pray that I may have more navigation in life since I really feel like a lost child most days. Thank you for your time and support and letting me share this to you.