Kabanata 7

Ang Kasama

I woke up to the sound of Maya whimpering beside me. I could not bring myself to open my eyes, but I felt her nose touching my cheeks. I let myself breathe and calm down as I reached for her head.

My eyes were still closed as she licked my face. The gesture made me feel calmer. It took me a while to realize I was crying and that the reason Maya was all over my cheeks was because of my tears.

Dahan-dahan kong binuksan ang mga mata ko at sinalubong ng kisame ang paningin ko. I reached for my phone and looked at the time. It is two in the morning. I was sweating in my pajamas and my head was hurting so bad.

Maya laid down on my chest, her head tucked in between my shoulder and neck. I hugged her lightly with my right hand and massaged my temples with the other.

I slowly sat down, moving Maya aside, and reached for the lamp beside me. A faint light illuminated my room and even if it was just a small amount, it still hurt my eyes. I squinted and rubbed off the remaining tear stains from my eyes.

Binalot ko ang sarili ko ng kumot ko at kalahating oras akong nanatili sa ganoong posisyon. A calm I have never felt before took over me. Natulala ako sa kakaalala ng nangyari sa panaginip ko.

Light from the hallways turned on. I could see through the space underneath my door that someone was coming. A soft knock followed.

"Sophia?"

Hindi ako nagsalita pero ipinihit pa rin niya ang doorknob. Naka-robe si Mommy nang pumasok. Worry etched all over her face. She always checks on me in the middle of the night. Nasaktuhan niya ngayon na may ilaw mula sa kwarto ko kaya siguro kumatok pa siya.

She touched my cheek and the comfort made me close my eyes. Umupo siya sa gilid ko at hinawakan ang kumot kong nakabalot sa akin.

"Go back to sleep, sweetie. Mom is here," sabi niya agad.

I nodded and fixed myself on the bed. Tinakpan naman ako ni Mommy ng kumot hanggang balikat ko. Maya suddenly got up and squeezed herself between my stomach and my arm. Her puppy eyes stared wildly at me.

Nginitian ako ni Mommy at papatayin na ang ilaw pero pinigilan ko siya.

Doon ko natanto na takot ako. The change calmed and scared me at the same time.

"Something ...changed, Mom." I whispered, terrified with the thought. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa kumot at isiniksik pa iyon sa akin. Nanginginig na pala ako at hindi ko iyon namalayan.

I saw the sadness in my mother's eyes as she touched my cheek. She did not seem fazed at all, but I know how it is with them. Ganyan talaga kapag magulang, they mask the pain they feel for their children because they know sa kanila kukuha ng lakas ang mga anak nila. I get my strength from them.

I know she wants to ask what happened, but she instead said something else.

"Do you want me to stay here first?" she asked.

I nodded and pulled the comforter closer to me. Ang buhok ko naman ang pinasadahan ng haplos ni Mommy.

"Just until I fall asleep," I breathed out.

"Okay," malumanay niyang sambit.

I closed my eyes and focused on relaxing my breathing. I could hear my Mom shifting every now and then. Before I knew it, I was back to sleep. I dreamed the same dream that has just changed.

I felt the same calm when I woke up for breakfast. Ikinuwento ko kayla Mommy ang pagbabago habang kumakain.

"Soph, I asked for an appointment with your doctor. Susunduin kita pauwi para masamahan ha." I nodded in response nang hindi tumitingin kay Dad and half-heartedly ate the eggs on my plate. They seem more worried with what I just shared.

Kanina pa ako binabagabag ng boses na narinig ko sa panaginip. Parang inaalisa ng utak ko lahat ng boses na narinig at naaalala ko. I feel like how I felt during the first year of my diagnosis–clueless, lost, and curious.

I learned that our dreams and nightmares all come from our memories. Lahat ng mga taong hindi natin kilala o kaya naman mga bagay na hindi napapansin, lahat iyon nagagamit ng utak natin. Kahit ang maliliit na detalye na nasa paligid natin. Even the voices we hear are part of a memory we cannot remember.

Sabi sa akin noon na may nangyaring masama sa akin, dahilan kung bakit ako nagkaganito. They do not want to tell me about it dahil baka ma-trigger pa ako at mas lalo itong makasama sa kalagayan ko. My dissociative amnesia led me to not remember a part of my past.

Still...

After hearing that voice, how am I supposed to not care about what happened to me anymore? Malakas ang kutob ko na what I heard came from a past memory and something around me must have triggered it. Panay ang lipad ng isip ko sa lahat ng posibilidad kahit na nakarating na ako sa classroom.

Aiden tried talking to me but all I did was nod, shrug, or shake my head on our way here. Ikinuwento ko rin sa kanya ang pagbabago pero mukha lang siyang naguluhan. "After all these years," ika niya, "how can it just change?"

"Hey..."

"Sinclair."

Isang tapik sa balikat ang aking naramdaman. I looked to my right. Kanina pa pala ako nakatulala.

"H-Ha?" nauutal kong baling.

Kyle's eyes turned dark when I faced him. Liningon ko ang paligid at nakitang nag-uusap ang mga kaklase ko at ang teacher namin sa arts ay nakaupo sa table sa harap habang nagmamasid sa amin.

"W-What did I miss?" A lot, Sophia. Ni isang discussion man lang wala kang maalala. I mentally scolded myself.

Kyle sighed at inurong niya ang upuan niya papalapit sa akin. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng init when he was just a foot away.

"Do you have a pencil and paper?" walang emosyon niyang tanong. His elbows were now resting on the right side of my desk habang siya ay nakatingin sa akin.

Hinalungkat ko agad ang bag ko at nilabas ang hinihingi niya. I always need to do something with my hands and drawing is the answer. Kaya, I always make sure to bring pencils and paper.

Kalmado niyang ipinaliwanag kung anong ipinapagawa sa amin. I do not think he speaks Filipino much. Makipag-usap siya kahit sino ay Ingles talaga ang gamit niya. Even if I did live in Sweden for five years, Mom and Dad always talked to me in Filipino at home. Sa kanila ata, ay hindi ganoon.

My hands started to work even if we have not even agreed on what I will draw. Since History of the Philippines was the lesson, we were tasked to draw something that would show the different aspects of Filipino culture.

"Put the flag in the middle," he pointed out on the paper. I nodded without looking up. Tahimik lang siya sa aking tabi pero paminsan-minsan ay nagsa-suggest siya ng maidadagdag ko sa papel. Umiinit lalo ang pakiramdam ko tuwing nararamdaman ko ang pagtitig niya sa akin.

"Can you add Filipino food here?" Tinuro niya ang upper left side ng papel na wala pang masyadong laman. That is a good idea though.

"What Filipino food?" I asked.

"Hmm. Whatever is easy to draw," he drawled out. I pouted and tried to think of something pero walang pumapasok sa isip ko. I stretched my arms a bit and sighed heavily.

"But there is a lot," sabi ko at pumangalumbaba. Dahan-dahan kong tinapik ang pambura ng dulo ng lapis sa aking pisngi bago ipinatong sa ibabang labi ko. He watched me the whole time.

"What is your favorite, then?" he asked as his gaze went down on my lips. Binalik din agad sa mga mata ko ang tingin niya.

"Lechon!" I unashamingly exclaimed. He chuckled at my enthusiasm kaya yumuko na lang agad ako para mag-drawing bago niya pa makita ang pagkamula ng mukha ko.

Natigilan ako saglit dahil unang beses kong marinig na tumawa siya. The way he laughed made him appear so different from my initial impressions of him. There is a certain lightness to it that I like. Mas lalong umaayos ang features niya pagnakangiti pero mas gusto ko pa rin iyong nakasimangot siya.

The others turned their heads when they heard him, but I did not pay attention to them anymore. I just kept drawing.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng gutom habang ginuguhit ang lechon sa papel at kung malasin nga naman, biglang tumunog ang tiyan ko nang napakalakas. My hands stopped moving as I heard Forest stifle another roar of laughter.

I playfully hit him on his arm at nanlaki ang mata niya sa ginawa ko at natigilan, disbelief evident on his face. Sinimangutan ko siya but he just ended up laughing quietly nang ipinagpatuloy ko ang pagguhit.

"Sinclair," his voice was a bit higher because of it but the huskiness was still there, making my heart jump in my chest.

This feeling he gives me is starting to get on my nerves.

Hindi ko siya pinansin at pinagpatuloy ang pagguguhit. Sinumulan ko naman ang mga taong naka-baro't saya at sumasayaw ng tinikling.

"Sinclair," pangungulit niya pa lalo. Bigla niyang hinawi ang buhok kong nakatakip sa aking mukha at inilagay sa likod ng aking tainga.

I froze when I felt his skin on my ears.

"A-Ano ba?!" Hindi ko sinasadyang mahampas ang kamay niya. Inurong ko ang sarili papalayo sa kanya at yumuko lalo. Kaunti na lang didikit na ang ilong ko sa papel.

"Why are you hiding your face?" tanong niya na mas lalong nakapagpapula sa akin.

His voice was serious now, but I dare not look at him. Hindi ko na siya pinansin hanggang sa matapos ko iyong drawing. He did not attempt to touch me again.

Isang kamay mula sa aking harapan ang lumapag sa aking la mesa. I looked up, feeling a bit more composed and saw Michelle reaching her hand out. Tinignan niya kaming dalawa ni Forest. Kapansin-pansin ang pagkakasiksik ko sa dingding sa kaliwa ko dahil sa malaking distansya sa gitna naming dalawa.

"Sophia, may color pencils ka?" aniya pagkatapos liitan ang mga mata. Tumango ako.

"Pwede makahiram?" I nodded again and quickly rummaged for it in my bag.

"K-Kailangan pa ba kuliyon?" tanong ko pagkaabot ko sa kanya ng mga kulay na binanggit at tinuro niyang gagamitin nila ng partner niya.

"Oo raw, eh. Daming arte ni Ma'am." Umirap siya sa hangin. Bigla siyang ngumuso sa direksyon ni Kyle na abala na sa paninitig sa iginuhit ko.

Michelle looked like she is telling something. I tilted my head as I frowned. I am not sure I understand what she is trying to say. She rolled her eyes at me jokingly. Ngumiti siya sa akin bago tumalikod at ipinagpatuloy ang ginagawa.

Tinignan ko ulit si Kyle at nakita siyang seryosong inuusisa ang gawa namin. Inangat niya ang tingin niya sa akin and awe was written all over his face.

"This is amazing, Sinclair." I hesitantly smiled at him bago inilabas ang iba pang coloring pencils na mayroon ako. Kinuha niya ang blue at sinimulan nang kuliyon ang flag sa gitna.

Kinuha ko naman ang teal at purple at nagsimula na rin.

Sinilip ko siya at seryoso siya sa ginagawa, every now and then moving his head to a certain angle para mas makita ang kinukuliyon. My eyes drifted to his jaw and I had a sudden urge to touch it. I mentally slapped myself.

"Where did you learn how to draw?" he asked while coloring.

Did he notice I was staring at him?

Binaba ko ang tingin at sumagot.

"I learned by myself," tipid kong sabi. That is what most people ask me and that is always my answer. They just nod and go on with other topics o hindi kaya ay aalis na sila sa harapan ko. I dare not say more when they did not ask. Isang malinaw na sagot para sa isang madaling tanong. They acknowledge my work but never wonder about the story behind it. Which makes me sad, but I still acknowledge the fact that they tried talking to me.

"You are really good for someone who learned by herself." Ngumiti lamang ako at kinuha ang yellow. Nilapag ni Michelle ang mga hiniram niya sa table at nagpasalamat. Kinuha ko ang orange mula doon at nagpatuloy sa ginagawa. Kinuha ni Kyle ang red at hinayaan ko lang siya.

"What else can you do?" he pried more. The feeling that the question made me feel was unexpected joy. It made me want to tell him everything, but I stopped myself. Most likely, sa simula lang naman ganyan.

I do not want him to think I am boring or lonely when I tell him about me. Ayaw ko ma-attach kung lalayo rin naman siya sa paglipas ng panahon.

"It's something for you to find out on your own." I blankly answered.

After that, he did not talk to me anymore, but I would always catch him studying me–looking at me like he wants to find out more.

Pinasa namin ang output pagtapos ng klase at hindi na nag-usap ulit pagkatapos. I drew on my notebook the remaining hour that we have left before break.

When it started to take shape, I realized I was drawing the person beside me, remembering how he laughed earlier. Naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng aking pisngi at padabog kong sinara ang notebook ko at nilagay sa bag.

When the bell rang, signaling it was lunch time, saktong may narinig akong tawanan ng mga lalaki sa labas. Nasulyapan ko si Aiden na may kasama at mukhang engganyong-engganyo sila sa kung ano mang pinag-uusapan nila. I get jealous of him sometimes, how he easily talks to people when I cannot even start a proper conversation.

Iniwan ko ang gamit ko sa room at sinalubong siya sa labas. A warmth spread through me nang maramdaman kong dumaan si Kyle sa likod ko, dahilan kung bakit napalingon ako. I was watching him go nang biglang isang malapad na dibdib ang humarang sa pangin ko. I tiptoed and tried to look over Aiden's shoulder pero hinarangan niya lang ulit ako.

"Anong tinitignan mo, Soph?" nakangiting usyoso ni Aiden. When he saw me trying to look again, tumingin na siya sa tinitignan ko nang nakakunot-noo. Kyle was, however, nowhere to be seen anymore.

I waved my hand in front of my face. "W-Wala."

Umikot ako pero nabunggo lang ako sa dibdib ng kasama niya kanina. The guy held my elbow to keep me from falling and his touch made a shiver travel down my spine. I looked up only to be greeted by warm brown eyes and the manly scent of his shirt.

"Are you okay?" tanong niya pero nanatili akong nakatulala sa kanya. He was a lot taller than me, even taller than Kyle.

Ang malaking kamay ni Aiden ay biglaang pumatong sa ulo ko at doon lamang ako natauhan. Inalis ko sa pagkakahawak ng lalaki sa aking balikat at inayos ang sarili. Pinatanggal ko rin ang kamay ni Aiden sa ulo ko.

The man in front of me smiled and my heart started beating frantically.

"Clumsy as ever, Soph," pagbibiro ni Aiden. I looked up to him at sumimangot. Binelatan niya naman ako. Biglang tumikhim ang nasa harapan naming dalawa kaya natigil kami sa pang-aasar sa isa't isa.

"Oh, right." Aiden clapped his hands once making me jump pero hindi niya napansin.

"Sophia," sabay turo niya sa kasama, "this is the new student in my year, Ethan. Ethan, this is Sophia, my cousin." I looked back at the person in front of me at pinasadahan siya ng tingin. He was not wearing the uniform yet just like Kyle. Black jeans at isang cream button down shirt ang suot nito ngayon.

"Nice to meet you," he said. His voice sounding as warm as his eyes. Inabot ni Ethan ang kamay niya and I reluctantly shook it. I held on to his hand lightly at bumitaw agad when I felt the same sensation on my arms earlier.

"She does not talk much," sabi ni Ethan bilang obserbasyon. Aiden just gave him a shrug.

My cousin draped his arms on my shoulder at nagsimula nang maglakad. Tinapik niya ang braso ni Ethan. "Tara, canteen," pag-iimbita nita rito.

Inasikaso ni Aiden ang pagbili ng pagkain naming dalawa samantalang naatasan akong maghanap ng upuan naming tatlo.

I was just looking at my hands on my thighs while waiting when two trays were placed on my chosen place.

I looked up only to find Ethan smiling at me. Naupo siya sa harapan ko at inayos ang mga pagkain. I looked around at nakitang bumibili pa si Aiden sa mga stall sa paligid.

"Gusto mo?" Inabutan niya ako ng siomai and I politely declined.

"I will just wait for Aiden," sagot ko.

Why did my beloved annoying cousin leave me with a stranger?

Why does being with this person make me feel all giddy?

"Ang tahi-tahimik mo samantalang iyong pinsan mo saksakan ng daldal," nakangising reklamo niya.

Napalunok ako. He is trying to talk to me.

Saktong dumating si Aiden sa la mesa namin. Kinuha ko na ang cupcake at plato na may lechon kawali at kanin mula sanilapag niyang tray. Bigla ko tuloy naalala iyong ginawa namin ni Forest para sa pairwork kanina.

Binatuhan ni Aiden ng masamang tingin si Ethan bago umupo. "Anong ipinagsasasabi mo kay Sophia?"

"Kung gaano ka kadaldal," diretsahan niyang amin. Aiden made a face at Ethan and Ethan just shrugged.

"May dadaanan ba tayo mamaya, Soph?" tanong ni Aiden habang inaayos ang mga pagkain niya na napakarami.

"S-Si Daddy raw susundo sa akin." I crunched my nose at the sight of the food fit for five people. "Ang takaw mo Kuya."

"Hindi naman halata, hindiba?" he flashed a smirk and raised his arms para mag-flex. Sinamahan niya pa iyon ng pagkindat.

Ethan suddenly made gagging noises as a reaction while I rolled my eyes. Pagtapos, tumahimik kami para magdasal bago kumain. Pinanood ko silang magdaldalan. Hindi sila nauubusan ng mapag-uusapan.

When Dad brought me to my therapist after class, isa lamang ang nasabi sa amin and my guess was right.

"It seems that something must have triggered your memories that is why a voice has surfaced in your dreams," ani Doktora Gizon. "Do you have any idea what it might be that triggered you?" She stared encouragingly at me.

Nahihiya akong umamin, "Wala naman po sa pagkakaalam ko."

Inisip ko naman pero wala naman nagbago sa mga ginagawa ko o sa paligid ko.

May isinulat muna siya bago sumandal sa kinauupuan at nagsalita.

"Ganyan talaga most of the time. There are some things that can trigger a person's memory without their knowledge. Our consciousness only notices what it thinks it should pay attention to, but our brain is more than what we are aware of. Kaya andiyan ang mga panaginip para maipakita ang mga naaalala ng utak natin na tayo mismo hindi natin nako-comprehend."

I nodded in understanding. Dad asked her a lot of questions afterwards, but I was too tired to listen. She advised me to try and seek the trigger by paying more attention to my surroundings.

My parents and I spent that night watching Finding Dory and eating pizza at home. Magkatabi si Mommy at Daddy sa sofa samantalang nasa gilid naman ako ni Mommy. Nakahiga sa hita ko si Maya, nakikinood din.

Natanto ko habang nanonood ng palabas na I can relate to Dory so much. Iyong pagiging makakalimutin niya. The constant feeling na lagi siyang nawawala reminds me of how lost I am due to forgotten memories. Naiyak ako noong nawalay siya sa mga magulang niya.

I feel sad for her kasi kahit papaano nandito ang mga magulang ko, always reminding me that even if I lost something, there is something in the future that I could always look forward to. Just keep swimming, they keep saying in the film. I should too... for my future.

Or run. Just keep running tulad ng sinabi ng boses sa panaginip ko.

"Run."

And I do.

But, like always...

I will still trip. I will always not remember.

But I will always have to keep going.

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